1- Dear Martha Stewart, I already subscribe to your magazine so you can stop putting those little paper subscription cards in my magazines. They always fall out and take up space in my recycling bag, and they’re a pretty big waste of paper. Want an idea for your “Good Things” section? Give us a craft that involves extra magazine subscription cards!

2- Dear Aging Gods, I can deal with the frown lines or the occasional grey hair, but the bladder control (or lack thereof) is really unnecessary. I used to go a whole day at school and only pee when I got home (this always impressed my mother) but now I have to plan car rides and potential traffic around possible potty stops. Not cool.

3- Dear Upstairs Neighbor, I understand that it’s hard during the week (no pun intended) to find time for a little lovin’, but do you really have to do IT every Sunday morning at the same time and for THAT LONG (again, no pun intended)?? It’s the Lord’s day for God’s sake, a day for rest…

4- Dear Jell-o, Please bring back pudding pops in chocolate, vanilla, and swirl. K’thanks.

5- Dear Michael, I love you and all but you need to learn how to replace a toilet paper roll. You go as far as taking a new one out from under the bathroom sink – that’s really the hardest most time-consuming part. Just click it into place on the roller thingy. If you need a lesson on how this is done, click here.